I’ve had a couple interesting convos on a couple different forums and the responses I wrote have got me thinking… So I am going to post edited versions of my responses here. Food for thought and it makes it easier to come back here instead of hunting down the threads. You know?
What does being goth mean to me:
I will be honest, as a teen it was all about the shock factor. I was a “good” girl, as in my folks could pretty much ignore me while they focused on my brother the “problem child.” I didn’t have a curfew, no one cared about my report card since I always got A’s, I never even had a bed time since I knew how much sleep I needed and got it. So my wearing black and doing the punk/metal head/goth thing got a small rise from my folks. Can’t say it bothered my teachers and it suited my friends just fine. As I got older and relaxed into the Gothic mindset, I found a comfort area that I didn’t realize I had.
Currently, it’s still about non-conformity to the masses. By the masses, I mean the religious conservative right which I’ve bumped up against walking down the street, but most especially during my short period as an evangelical fundamentalist.
But it a mindset about being true to my personal philosophy which may be darker than most and definitely much more fluid than some than some folk. My life shaped me and I am cool with that. I think, it’s about my outside matching my inside. You can say it’s that I am fine with the world seeing your moral flexibity.
Saying all that, I have moved away from the regalia of the goth subculture. I don’t do makeup any more, unless I am going all out, maybe 3 – 5 times a year. But even then, it will only be my eye patch, eyeliner and lip pencil and they (the goths that give a hoot) will just have to live with my tan lines from gardening and other outdoor play. I don’t do parasols anymore.
I know I personally cycle through some crazy head spaces. I have thankfully gotten (and remain) pretty steady in my polyamoryismness…. I mean I am not jealous, period. I have adored all but one of my hubby’s girlfriends and boyfriends and celebrate his new relationships.
But when it comes to me and my view of myself, it’s taken some amazing shots over the last couple years. Ugh, I used to be happy to flaunt my curves (and lumps and bumps). Lately not so good. Getting better, but I feel I still have more inner work to do. Something still has me not being me.
I am working on digging out my verve. Yes, I have lost 45 pounds but I am still carrying some serious baggage that has nothing to do with the weight that I’ve lost and the extra padding I still carry. I am still huddled around some issues and until I get “there” where ever that may be, I am fine being the mono gal in this relationship. Yes, I am bisexual (although I prefer sapio or omni or even pan – sexual) but am peachy with my current one heterosexual relationship until the universe and I are ready for something else. (There have been hints but nothing yet.)
I think I am on the right road and am going to travel along seeing what I need to see until, well, I find another road.